Monday, November 3, 2008

New Virus Announced by the C.D.C.!!!

The Centers for Disease Control issued a warning via all media outlets this morning for a highly contagious (airborne) pathogen. It operates similarly to the SARS virus, but with potentially immediate consequences upon infection. Please read the following.

Ballistic Organ Syndrome (Ballistitis)
Country of Origin
Java (Indonesia)

First Known Case
Ballistic Organ Syndrome, although rare, has been known since prehistoric times. In Australia and Micronesia, cave paintings have been found depicting humans and animals with internal organs erupting from their bodies.

Ballistic Organ Syndrome manifests as a sudden, explosive discharge of one or more bodily organs at high velocity; this exit may be accompanied by some pain. There are two known variants: subsonic Ballistitis, in which the organ exists the body by the path of least resistance, breaking free directly through muscle, tendon, bone and skin tissue.

Supersonic Ballistitis is the more dangerous manifestation, as the ejecta exceed the speed of sound and therefore strike without warning. Surprisingly, however, the high energy of supersonic Ballistitis discharge cauterizes the surface of the organ and sterilizes the ejected bodily contents, so that the overall risk of infection is less than that of subsonic Ballistitis. In rare cases, the Ballistitis virus infects the patients entire body. Eventually, some event causes one or more cells to rupture, after which the patients body is disrupted in an explosive ejection of all bodily organs. This manifestation of the syndrome frequently occasions the death of the patient; at best, the loss of all bodily organs will cause considerable inconvenience and distress.

The Ballistitis is known to be caused by a retrovirus that reprograms body cells to concentrate water at extremely high pressures. It may be transmitted through direct contact with organic ejecta or through inhalation of atomized bodily content. Medical personnel dealing with infected patients are strongly recommended to seek the advice of military fortification engineers to assist in deploying sandbagging, and overhead protection, as ejected organs can travel a considerable distance and explode with some force on impact.


Terry Nelson said...

I have Oprah on in the background - I'm waiting for the 5PM news. I believe she is having a show on this as I write this!

Adrienne said...

They're starting inoculations on all children between the ages of 9 and 13 in the schools as we "speak" and Bono is organizing a world-wide event to raise money for the cure. Brad and his girlfriend will be helping.

Tom in Vegas said...


Oprah might be the first to explode:0)

Auntie A

I'm glad to see that "Brad the passing fad" and his main squeeze have enough time to do something about this.

But why can't Bono and the other two characters just sign some checks, and redistribute their wealth? Why do they have to wait for Obama to do it? Lord knows they're wealthy enough.

paramedicgirl said...

Great - now I'll have to gear up like a fortress to examine my patients. Hey, this will make the organ procurement "specialists' dizzy with glee; all that will be required of them is to stand by with large catch vessels.